You're Not My Real Dad

 Once the ICC finishes up with Netanyahu and Putin, I would love for them to investigate an even bigger criminal conspiracy: The deaths of dozens of parents in the sixties and seventies here in the United States. Think about it: back in those days you could scarcely turn on a television without witnessing a story about someone's mom or dad that had mysteriously disappeared. How did we react? We just watched, passively while the carnage continued. 

Case in point: Andy Taylor's wife. The sheriff of Mayberry, North Carolina is raising his son with the aid of a fussy old maiden aunt and no one thought to ask, "Yo Andy, whatever happened to the boy's mother? Sure, I can accept that we don't want to bring it up around the boy, for fear of activating trauma, but no mention at all? You'd think that the town's super-sleuth, one Barney Fife, would lay awake at nights wondering how his boss got away with it. Then again, there seems to be an odd predilection against mature relationships of any sort in Mayberry. Once Andy finally decided to tie the knot with his son's teacher, they had to leave town.

What were they hiding? 

Then there's the obvious double homicide committed by the new Mister and Missus Brady. What a nice coincidence that both of their former mates perished in some well-timed catastrophe that left them both without a spouse so they could merge three boys and three girls into some sick experiment in cohabitation, celebrated by the boys' dog running amuck during the ceremony. What message was Tiger trying to send us? 

Then there's the case of Uncle Bill, whose quiet bachelor bacchanalia was interrupted by Buffy, Jodie, and Cissy. And that terrible Mrs. Beasley. Good luck returning to your Playboy After Dark lifestyle now that those three meddling kids and that awful doll have moved into your spacious penthouse apartment. Mister French went almost immediately from mixing hangover cures for his boss to whipping up Sloppy Samuels for his new and myterously appearing young charges. Didn't anyone wonder how this all came to pass? 

Following this thread, there is the strange circumstances behind the courtship of Eddie's father. Sure, all of a sudden dad and son have all this extra time to spend making montages of walking on the beach and attending the local carnival, but did anyone check on Mrs. Eddie's father? I'm guessing that Eddie isn't the innocent waif he appears. 

Sherwood Schwartz, I look forward to seeing you in the Hague.