Funny How Time Slips Away

 I dreamed that I was being asked to perform at a college standup comedy event. 

The trouble was, I had no material. 

So I started scribbling. What could I possibly have to say into a microphone that would elicit the slightest amusement in a crowd of moderately inebriated liberal arts majors? 

I decided to highlight my own journey through higher education, focusing on the notion that binge drinking is the exact wrong hobby to take up once you start paying for those eight AM classes. Pretty hysterical, right? 

It was my hope that I wouldn't come off as some old guy lecturing the youth of today. Instead, I was looking for some sweet spot between laying out a sermon and pointing out just how ridiculous it is to believe, as I did, that everyone in their twenties is indestructible. 

Because it turns out we are not. Searching for those anecdotes that rang true without overt moralizing became more and more difficult as I waited for my name to be called by the Master of Ceremonies. Why didn't I have that job? A quick two-minute bit before I announced the next victim to be ushered to the stage. That was where I would have shone. Now I prepared to be booed off the postage stamp-sized riser in the spotlight. Or worse: to be greeted by complete silence. 

As luck would have it, I woke up before that moment became part of my sleep baggage. was shortly before I reflected on my return to the classroom. Standing in front a group of intense and inquiring faces, waiting for instruction, inspiration, or both. What could I say that would not sound like the lessons I have been spouting for three decades already? I wasn't being tasked with getting big laughs from nine year olds, but I knew that part of my mission was to be a notch more interesting than anything they might find on the phones they were now officially forbidden to look at during the school day. 

I was transported back to those bygone days of yesteryear, when I was first writing a blog, before it ever became a daily event. I was reflecting on Gabe Kaplan, the star of Welcome Back Kotter. He began his career in standup comedy after he dropped out of high school, eventually hitting on a popular bit about the kids he knew from his days in remedial studies. He created his role as a teacher to pitch a TV series. Now he is a professional poker player. 

Isn't that funny. 

Why?

 "This is a very small community, and this type of incident — and it obviously has rocked and crushed that community at this point. They're looking for answers, and they want to know why."

Why would someone roar through a sleepy little community in northern Michigan, killing teenagers and adults before turning the gun on himself? This was the questions local officials were asking.

"This type of incident" is called a mass shooting. According to the government, our government, this is the definition that kicks in once the body count reaches three or more. Our Federal Bureau of Investigation refers to an incident that clocks in at four or more fatalities as a "mass murder." 

The killings in the Missaukee County community of Lake Township ticked both those boxes. 

The question remains.

Why? 

Preliminary reports suggest that the murderer had a "troubled past" and had been involved in a "contentious divorce." 

Oh, and this just in: He had access to guns and ammunition. One of his intended victims, a thirteen year old girl, was shot four times but managed to call 911 and identify the gunman. Authorities were able to track him down, but not before he took his own life. 

"How could this happen here?" Contentious divorces and individuals with troubled pasts can be found in just about every city, county, and town across this great land of ours. Land of the free, home of the brave and home to the glorious Second Amendment. 

In just about every city, county and town in this great land of ours there are goons with and without masks, some of them trained, some of them not, to kill. This is how we remind our citizens "thou shalt not kill." At the end of last month, the state of Florida executed two murderers on the same day. For some, this was a moment worth celebrating. One of them was eighty years old, the oldest inmate ever executed in the Sunshine State. The other one was a former police officer. 

Why?

I want to know too. 

Generational Upgrade

 The guy at the bike shop reminded me of the Ship of Theseus.  It is a paradox that poses the question: is a ship that has had all of its wooden planks replaced piece by piece over time remains the exact same ship? He brought it up to me in reference to "Archimedes' Ship," which is a bit confusing, since Archimedes did a lot of work on buoyancy, but wasn't much of a philosopher. Then again, there are those who would insist that Matt Damon has nothing to do with Ulysses. 

That's not me, mind you, but I digress. 

The discussion was based on the top to bottom, over and under, side to side reclamation of my bicycle. After parking my bike in the basement after the last day of school before summer break, I didn't pedal a block on it for two months, moving it from left to right as we hauled things out to give or throw away in an effort to reduce the surplus of stuff and junk down there. It was not until the week before my return to school that it occurred to me that I might want to check out the condition my bike's condition was in. 

A quick ride down the street let me know that I had forgotten just how bad things had gotten in spoke and sprocket land. 

Really bad. 

So I loaded my Dawes Eclipse City  flat bar hybrid two-wheeler on the bike rack and drove it to the bike shop. A brief assessment from an expert let me confirmed what I had already imagined: the patient was critical, and the outlook was better than terminal, but not by much. Chain, derailer, crank, tires, brakes, shifters and overall deportment were all part of a laundry list of maladies that needed treatment. 

I left it there with the understanding that the deposit I had left was going to be a fraction of what it would take to get me back on the road. Sails replaced. Planks replaced. Rigging replaced. When I once again tossed a leg over the frame, would it still be my bike?

In thirty years of teaching elementary school, I have had four bicycles. I bought the first one from one of the accountants at my old job at a book warehouse for fifty bucks. The next one came to me as a gift from my wife who announced that, "We may never own a new car, but you can have a new bike." The third was a replacement for the second which was "donated" to the community after I left it in the front hallway at school while the door was propped open. That was a Wal-Mart special that only lasted a few months. It was not up to a daily commute. 

The Dawes Eclipse City was. It served me well for a good long time, and endured all the DIY fixes I could throw at it until one day it didn't. All the inner tubes and brake pads and WD-40 that I had used up on my trusty steed just wasn't enough. In the end, I paid enough to buy several old accountant's bikes to get mine back on the road. 

The second week of school, I was back in action. On my nearly new bike. 

Media Matters

 Doctors Oz and Phil got their starts under the umbrella of HARPO productions. "Harpo," in case you missed the cleverness, is "Oprah" backwards. 

And doctors Oz and Phil are about as backward as any two medical practitioners could be from the ideals and principles espoused by Harpo. Backwards. 

What does the subject of each monthly issue of O magazine have to say about this disparity? "Everybody has their own path in life, and it has not one thing to do with me, and I don't have one thing to do with them. At the time, the reason and intention behind me giving them their breaks was I thought they had valuable information to share that had been meaningful to me."

At the time. 

That time was the early 2000s, up until just prior to the launch of the Second Trumpreich. Ultimately, Doctor Oz found a spot in the administration, currently overseeing the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services. Just where you'd expect a guy who plays a doctor on TV to land. He's the guy who decided to end the drug subsidies for elderly Medicare recipients by eliminating Part D. But for fifty bucks a month qualifying Medicare patients can now obtain weight-loss GLP-1 medications. Sure, you're still sick, but you'll look great!

Doctor Phil, who became a multi-millionaire thanks to the start that Ms. Winfrey gave him, now serves as a "commissioner" in the Second Trumpreich, advising the convicted felon on such matters as religious expression in areas like education, healthcare, and the military as well as promoting administration goals regarding faith, traditional values, and government transparency. He also got to ride along with a bunch of ICE goons in Chicago. Which might make more sense on an episode of South Park than on NBC news. 

Come to think of it, this whole mess might be funny if it took place in that mystical construction paper cut-out world of South Park, Colorado. Ms. Winfrey could not be reached for comment on this. But I do believe that Eric and Kyle and Kenny and Stan probably had valuable information to share that had been meaningful to her. 

You Can't Spell Leave Without Leavitt

 Karoline Leavitt is stepping down from her post as Information Dispersal Officer for the Second Trumpreich. To her credit, she has outlasted Kristi Noem and Tulsi Gabbard. Lori Chavez-DeRemer and Pam Bondi. If these names don't ring a bell, you may not have been paying attention to the exodus of people leaving the White House. Or what's left of it. Jeanine Pirro has taken to walking around with most of the stuff in her office boxed up just in case she "chokes" again. Once again I feel the need to point out the similarities behind all of these departures: A Y chromosome. 

Ms. Leavitt says that she is ending her tenure as the Orange Worst's mouthpiece because she wants to spend more time lying directly to her family. The family she started back in the dark days before the election of 2024, and added to in May of this year. The demands of generating a steady stream of fabrication while raising a toddler and an infant seems to have become too overwhelming for Karoline. 

If you're a fan of the way the convicted felon treats the press, you're going to miss Ms. Leavitt. Like the time she argued with Associated Press reporter Josh Boak about her boss' focus on tariffs, culminating with, "I think it's insulting that you're trying to test my knowledge of economics, and the decision that this President has made. I now regret giving a question to The Associated Press."

Or maybe it was the time she went after reporter Jasmine Wright's inquiry regarding protests, asking Karoline to "clarify what kind of protest President Trump does support or find acceptable." Karoline shot back, "Of course the President supports peaceful protests. What a stupid question."

How about the time she abruptly ended a press conference after being asked about the former game show host's support of Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick. The same guy who earlier that same day told a Senate panel that he had visited the private island of the late convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein in 2012de, spite the fact that he had previously claimed to have ended his relationship with Epstein years before. Ms. Leavitt wound things up by insisting, "I will just point out that there are a lot of wins in the news this week that people in this room have not asked about because you continue to ask questions about the same subject so let me point them out for you." After mentioning gains in the stock market and a few other trifles, she closed her big book of lies. "So," she said when she walked off the stage, "we're going to get back to business. The President is very busy today and you will see him all tomorrow at the event in the East Room touting his Administration's energy policy."

In January of this year, a week after Renee Good was murdered by ICE goons, a reporter questioned how this could have happened if the ICE goons had been "doing everything correctly." Karoline's respsone? "Okay, so you're a biased reporter with a leftwing opinion. Because you're a leftwing hack. You're not a reporter, you're posing in this room as a journalist. And it's so clear by the premise of your question. And you and the people of the media who have such biases but fake like you're a journalist—you shouldn't even be sitting in that seat. You're pretending like you're a journalist, but you're a leftwing activist," she continued. "The question that you just raised and your answer proves you're biased. You should be reporting on the facts."

The facts.

Karoline Leavitt is leaving her job. That's a fact. My opinion is that the weight of all those lies were finally too much. Woman. New Mother. Man. Doesn't matter. That sort of thing will crush one's soul. 

Pop Goes The Culture

 I understand that I am a victim of my own feed. 

I eat what I click.

If, for example, temptation gets the best of me and I am curious which "Friends A-Lister" has "amazing chemistry with David Harbour," I will end up paying for it in loads more celebrity tea being dumped into my stream. To save you the somewhat inglorious suspense, I will tell you now that it was none other than Courtney Cox who showed up on the set of the movie "Evil Genius" which is currently in production and hit it off immediately with the "Stranger Things" star. Insiders would like us all to know that this is merely a "talent crush."

And that should be enough quotation marks for now. 

So I understand that I was gifted this bit of Hollyweird gossip because of some previous dalliance with articles about showbiz. Shocked as you might be to find out that when I am not tracking all the nefarious schemes taking place in our government and boardrooms across this great land of ours, I am more than just a little curious about who is dating or breaking up with whom and who will have to go to movie jail because their blockbuster underperformed at the box office. This can make for lively banter out on the playground with my fellow teachers. 

It can. 

And sometimes these conversational gambits fail miserably. They tend to fall into the somewhat soulless vein of "did you know?" Apologies for that brief return to quotation marks. I live at what could be considered the far end of the demographic when it comes to elementary type teachers. In order to stay current, I have found that keeping up with Tom Holland and Zendaya makes it easier to communicate with this younger generation. Attempting to stay current in an endless river of pop culture is no easy task, and I want to believe that I am doing my absolute best. 

But did I really need to read that whole article about Courtney Cox and David Harbour? And why do you suppose I found it necessary to bore you with the details here? I suppose if you've made it this far, I can tell you that I believe that it is a direct result of the genetic connection between my mother, who used to pore over every movie magazine in her parents' drug store, and even though she would eventually go on to be a voracious reader of all manner of literature, she still had one foot in the scandal sheets. Clark Gable's halitosis was legendary. He used to chase Vivien Leigh around the set of "Gone With the Wind" with his false teeth in his hand. 

And if that's not a "conversational gambit," I don't know what is> 

Courage Under Fire

 Discretion, we are told, is the better part of valor.

What I am about to relate to you is what some of us in the business refer to as "irony." I would also encourage you to listen to Lalo Schifrin's theme to Mission: Impossible as you contemplate the events of July 8, 2026. 

Under the veil of threats from Iran, the convicted felon boarded Air Force One as usual in Turkey. Then he proceeded to head out the door on the other side of the plane into a waiting catering truck. You know, the ones that rise up on on a scissor lift to load an aircraft with nominally edible refreshments before your flight takes off to destinations known and unknown. But mostly known if you're a real person. The former game show host does not fall into that classification, so in order to save the Orange Worst from potentially being shot down in that big blue and white plane, they snuck him off and put him and Pistol Pete Hegseth on another, smaller military aircraft that was neither the old blue and white version of Air Force One nor the fancy-schmancy Qatari upgraded version. 

Once back in the United Kingdom, the adjudicated rapist was loaded back into the old version of the 747 he had narrowly avoided riding in from Turkey to Suffolk, England. Reporters and other staff were told they needed to make the four hour flight with the blinds pulled on the plane "for security reasons." When asked about this strategy after the decoy flight had landed, the MAGAt in chief reminded us that in spite of his outward indifference to the death threats from the country he started a war with to distract from his nefarious dealings back home: "Well, yeah, because you’re probably on a dangerous flight because of the sleaze bags that we have to deal with."

Dangerous? Not for catering trucks. But certainly for the members of the press on board that big blue and white target up in the sky. 

Which brings me to my lingering question: If this was supposed to be such a big secret, how is it that a month after the fact it becomes worldwide news? What gaping hole in military intelligence allowed the details of this bait and switch that saw the twice-impeached "president" taken off his hyper-secure Oval Office in the sky and stuffed in a bin with Chex Mix and cans of V-8 juice? Is there a need amongst us all to know just how limited this buffoon's authority really is? 

Coming from the guy who has repeatedly called for the extermination of an entire country, dating back to April when he issued his version of a fatwa: "a whole civilization will die tonight." He's also the guy who blew up a school full of little girls in February. All that tough talk has him hiding in catering trucks.

And golf courses around the world.