Tuesday, February 06, 2007


Praise the Lord! One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Reverend Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual." This raises a couple of questions: First of all, what do the other three ministers think, and second, just what exactly did Ted have to do to convince that one minister?
"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing." No, indeed. Things like that tend to come in spurts.
Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after male prostitute Mike Jones (completely homosexual) alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality." Confession is good for the soul, but let's be honest, it doesn't pay the bills.
Another oversight board member, the Reverend Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended a move out of town and the Haggards agreed. This suggestion, one assumes, was made along the same lines that the Clantons consider relocating somewhere outside of Tombstone.
Still, the lingering question is that of verification. What sort of stress or performance test was used to determine the "complete heterosexuality" of Ted Haggard. I imagine some variation on the "Clockwork Orange" therapy, with loud organ music playing instead of Beethoven, and pictures of naked men projected on a large screen, alternating with "No!" alternating with each slide, voiced by a heavenly choir. This and the electrodes attached to his manliness.
Oh - and the last recommendation from the oversight council? They strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work. Amen.


Anonymous said...

Maybe Ralph confirmed Ted's proclivity by making a move on him and seeing Ted's reaction?


Anonymous said...

The other three ministers recommended sugarless gum to their parishioners who chew gum.