GOAT

 The Federal Bureau of Investigation would like for the somewhat recent hires for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement to be on the lookout for girls who would like to date them. The suggestion seems to be that anyone desperate enough to take a chance on one of these soulless ghouls in the first place must not be serious, and furthermore only made these overtures to make their lives more difficult. 

It's pretty hard not to see the logic in that. 

The memo read, in part: “as of late January 2026, a small group of women allegedly were creating fictitious online dating profiles with the purpose of attracting and then doxxing law enforcement participating in immigration enforcement.” In short, the only reason any of these goons would be getting any traction on their Tinder account would be from women who were trying to expose the men behind those tacky masks they wear. 

The FBI went on: “These profiles were incorporating imagery of a ‘traditional wife’ aesthetic and listing specific interests in an attempt to appeal to … individuals in law enforcement. The objective was to lure affiliated law enforcement personnel into an online or in-person interaction under the guise of a date, after which the individuals would be publicly exposed and doxed online. The tactic is intended to generate public embarrassment and deter immigration enforcement activity.”

And to ensure to the rest of the dating pool that these individuals were morally bankrupt and had in fact already given up their souls in exchange for a paycheck and the chance to beat and detain innocent victims. Which, it seems to me, would put them in a rather special rather dark corner of the app. 

If you have read this far and are curious what possible connection the FBI has with the dating profiles of ICE agents, I point you directly to FBI Director Kash Patel's recent move to eliminate the restriction his agency had against bestiality. It seems party boy Kash didn't want anyone's sordid past to get in the way of them serving and protecting their country. 

Or maybe he didn't want anyone to regret choosing some pretend tradwife when they could be marrying a goat.