Envy

 The convicted felon at the top of Epstein's List must be so disappointed with his pals Vladimir and Kim. Didn't they say that they wouldn't be friends with the despot in China? They promised. Pinky-swore, I believe. Even though the felon's hands are tiny and bruised, that should count for something. 

But there they were, the three of them, standing shoulder to shoulder in Beijing, watching all that military might pass in review. What's a would-be-king got to do in order to be able to sit at the popular dictator's table? 

The former game show host at the top of Epstein's List couldn't get any of his so-called-buddies from the tyrant club to watch all those squeaky tanks pass by at his big birthday parade. Just his dumb son and his wife and some folks who used to work at Fox News. 

And where were the missiles? Squeaky tanks were fine, but how about some ICBMs on trailers to really put some phallic imagery on display. Say what you want about those communists, but they know how to showcase their guns and ammo. 

Which may explain why the bloated sack of protoplasm at the top of Epstein's List chose to announce that he was about to stage a military takeover of a foreign city: (checks notes) Chicago. The City of the Big Shoulders can't be a U.S. city, since it's where that foreigner Barack Hussein Obama resides. Maybe when the invading armies aren't otherwise occupied with mulching and litter, they can ransack a few houses in a search for that guy's real birth certificate. "We're going in," the cankle model at the top of Epstein's List proclaimed, and like all proclamations from the TACO in chief he added, "I didn't say when."

The element of surprise, it seems, is vital when attacking the third largest city in your own country. Don't give them time to hide their PBS tote bags and clear out the farmer's markets and libraries. Mister Impotent at the top of Epstein's List is on his way to overcompensate. 

Well, he won't actually be there. He's far too busy visiting golf resorts that he owns. That, and pining for an invitation to one of those really big parades. 

With missiles.