Saturday, February 10, 2018

Flu Bug

This is for anyone out there who is reaching for the Mucinex or gobbling Ibuprofen like it was candy to try and stave off the effects that persistent and unwelcome virus that has been plaguing you for the past three weeks: Stop.

Good news! You don't need any of those over-the-counter medications. You don't need any of those "scientific" injections developed by doctors and "scientists." You need to put yourself in God's hands. God's great big care-giving hands. According to Gloria Copeland, "We don't have a flu season." Furthermore, we should not have to accept that "Everybody's getting the flu." Not if you have the Lord by your side. Let our savior keep those germs away. Cast them out.

What she didn't say was that the flu is the work of the devil, which may help to explain all that vomiting and head-spinning. If you cast Satan out, you won't need a flu shot. Or polio vaccine. Or Kleenex. Don't be fooled. That "facial tissue" is the gateway to misery and damnation.

Or something like that. To be completely honest, I didn't bother to listen to most of what Gloria had to say on the subject. I am currently surrounded by hundreds of runny noses and headaches every day at my school, and I would love to believe that a miracle of minorly biblical proportions could sweep over them all and bring back their rosy cheeks and perky spirits. Experience suggests otherwise. I tend to surrender myself to a couple months of fighting something off each school year as part of the sacrifice to the gods of elementary education.

Or I could listen to the Word according to Gloria: “That’s what we stand on. And by his stripes we were healed. If you’ve already got the flu I’m going to pray for you right now. Jesus himself gave us the flu shot. He redeemed us from the curse of flu and we receive it, and we take it, and we are healed by his stripes. Get on the word, stay on the word, and if you say, ‘Well, I don’t have any symptoms of the flu’, great, that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Just keep saying that ‘I’ll never have the flu, I’ll never have the flu’. Put words, inoculate yourself with the word of God.” 

All of which would be so much easier to ignore if Gloria and her husband Kenneth didn't occupy a seat on the "President's" evangelical advisory board. Where I imagine they whisper in his ear that there is no "global warming," and all we need to do is pray. 

I'm praying. But not necessarily to keep the flu away. 

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