Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

"You have a wife?"
"What's your wife's name?"
"You know who Jay-Z is?"
"Is that your bike?"
"Why don't you have a car?"
"You play Guitar Hero?"
"What's that red spot on your neck?"
"Why do you always wear that shirt?"
"Where did you get those shoes?"
"Why do you sweat?"
"You have a son?"
To these questions, each one asked countless times by numerous students from kindergarten to fifth grade, I have prepared the following answer: I do have a wife. Her name is Mrs. Caven. Jay-Z introduced us and he served as best man at our wedding. At the ceremony, he made me promise not to drive the Lamborghini that he gave us as a wedding gift, but I should ride my bike instead. The bike helps me hone my plastic guitar technique as I continue to work on rehabilitating my spine. The only way you can tell that my spine was broken is by the little red mark on my neck. The comfortable shoes that I wear came from Payless, but I got them for free because I bought this shirt. I sweat when I think about all the money I'm saving by getting my clothes so cheaply, and yes I do have a son who is very polite and would never think of asking a grownup all of these invasive questions.