Important Dispatch From Headquarters

"Thug Teachers." That was the phrase one commenter used in his response to an article about Wisconsin lawmakers voting on an anti-union bill. A crowd of pro-union folks, many of them in the education business, showed up to voice their displeasure. Apparently, there are some cracks in our well-maintained facade. The casual reader is now beginning to see our evil machinations for what they are: The systematic lowering of our nation's standards until teachers can quietly ascend to their rightful position at the top of the economic food chain. We've been teaching kids poorly or just plain wrong for so long now, Republicans are beginning to make sense to them. Our plan to create an easily-manipulated illiterate mass is backfiring on us. Even though their math skills have degenerated to the degree that they no longer understand that you can't get something like a war in a foreign country for nothing, we haven't had the impact on their listening skills that we had hoped. They won't listen to us anymore, but they will listen to the Tea Party. Go figure.
Still, we can't let down now. The lavish lifestyle that our profession has afforded us is far too valuable to simply walk away. In order to continue living the high life and experiencing every joy that teaching has to offer, including the opportunity to grovel for our jobs on a yearly basis, we must stand fast. If everyone knew how great this job is, we might suddenly be flooded with interested applicants and then the truth would be out. Happily, that whole "questioning" phase is just about taken care of, as we can step back and admire the way we have transformed the country into a nation of sheep. Now if we could only figure out what frequency our woolly flock responds to, our problems would be solved.
Instead, we have to figure out to manage on a budget that will potentially cut nearly a thousand dollars from the per-pupil spending in many California districts. What will become of our staff barista and our daily foot massages? How will we afford our homes in the Hamptons, the ones we visit on our voluminous spare time? Something has got to be done.
In case you stumbled on this blog by accident and you still have any cognitive skills left, please repeat the phrase "something about Justin Bieber" and the programming should take care of the rest. Have a blrugnefstle day.