Quick Pitch

 Generic Baseball Team: Players and abilities may vary but should be suitable for everyday use. 

Cleveland finally got around to picking a new mascot for their Major League baseball team. The owners and management landed on Guardians for their new nickname. The Indians and Chief Wahoo are now officially a part of the past. This comes as a bit of a relief for those who were concerned that the team might endure the same fate as the Washington Football Team which has decided to be just that. For the time being. The selection of a three syllable name does present its own set of concerns, but the Cleveland Cavaliers have made it work for them for the past fifty years. Happily, the city's name itself works in a pinch for those two syllable cheers. "Here we go Cleve-land, here we go!" and "Let's Go Cleve-Land!" Seem quite serviceable. 

Meanwhile, I am certain that the marketing division is working overtime to try and figure out how best to present art deco statues in a format to be worn by a hyper-kinetic clown as a suit to amuse the kids. Just as everyone wants to be the first on their block to own a Cleveland Guardians T-shirt, there was a knock on the door: It was the local Roller Derby team. As it turns out, the stroke of genius that brought this new mascot to Major League Baseball had already visited the folks who run C-Town's Mens' Roller Derby Association franchise. And they've been around since (checks notes) 2016, so there's quite a lot of history there. 

Expect a lawsuit. 

But you won't have to worry a lot about that, since there will be plenty of additional fuss raised by those who wish that things would never change, even if it means egregious racial stereotypes and continuing the cultural appropriation continues in the most uncomfortable way. Why should we care? We're white male sports fans, and we wouldn't know appropriate if it landed right in front of us and began giving us high fives to the forehead. Worse still are those non-sports fans who just need something else to be terrified by as "cancel culture" seeks to cancel all the culture that had originally been appropriated by slow-witted white folks. "How am I supposed to find that rice I like now that they've taken the 'Uncle' off the front of it?"

And so on. 

Across town, the Cleveland Browns are wondering if they can't get themselves a little bit more exciting mascot than their old coach's last name.