Hello, and thank you for coming today.
I understand that there has been a lot of speculation out there on the possibility of someone entering the 2020 presidential campaign who would shake things up and give the people of this great nation a clear and present choice when it comes to the executive branch of our government. A maverick. A firebrand. And yet, a thoughtful and compassionate individual with a clear vision and mind unfettered by special interests and outside influences. A voice at once crying from the wilderness but still able to carry through the highways and country lanes to reach every corner of this land. Someone young enough to remember how things were but still old and wise enough to imagine how things could be. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you -
I will not be running for President of the United States in 2020, nor will I be a candidate in any subsequent elections that might come as a result of changes in our Constitution. And speaking of that document, it's not the restrictions mentioned in Article II, Section I, Clause 5. I am a natural born citizen, and if you're interested I can show you my birth certificate, though I hope my mom's word will be good enough. I have reached and passed the age of thirty-five, and I have lived for all those years as a resident of the United States. And while these qualifications make me a very suitable candidate for donating blood, along with my lack of tattoos, I don't think it will be enough to put me over the top when it comes time to cast our votes for the next Commander In Chief.
I figured I wanted to get out in front of this, since a number of folks have been stating their intentions over the past few weeks, and I didn't want there to be any confusion. I am joining the ever growing crowd of individuals who will not be running for president. I join Hillary Clinton and Michael Bloomberg in announcing my intent to sit squarely on the sidelines as this next great undertaking begins to take shape.
Instead of running for the highest office in the land, I will focus my attention on poking fun at anyone silly enough to think that they have what it takes to steer this ship of state from its current collision course with melting icebergs and social chaos. To those brave enough to stick their necks out and spend their supporters' hard earned dollars, I say: Good luck. I'll be the guy waving from the relative safety of his living room as the train wrecks commence.