Friday, May 05, 2017


I've said it before, and I'm about to say it again: I don't sleep so well when I know with absolute certainty that I am more intelligent than our "President." By the time I was in fourth grade, I knew that the causes of the U.S. Civil War were more complex than who owned slaves and who did not, but if I were asked to give an answer on a game show, I would distill it down to just that. The North wanted freedom. The South wanted slavery. Industrial North. Agrarian South. I was always, frankly, eager to learn more subtleties as I grew up and studied more. I was happy to find out that Britain, while diplomatically neutral in the conflict, was building ships for the Confederacy.
And Abraham Lincoln was President of the United States. You may have heard of this guy. Freed the slaves. Wore a beard. Shows up on pennies and five dollar bills. He took office in 1860, the year before southern states began to secede from the Union. He was president some fifteen years after Andrew Jackson died. You may remember Mister Jackson from his role on the twenty dollar bill. Founder of the Democratic Party, The guy who signed the Indian Removal Act into law. 
And apparently, Andrew Jackson was "really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War, he said: 'There's no reason for this.'" This revelation comes to us thanks to the tireless historical revisionary, Donald "Nostradamus" Trump. "People don't realize, you know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?"
This insight rivals that of noted historian, Jeff Spicoli, who once distilled the causes for our Revolutionary War in the following manner: "What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves - pronto - we'll just be bogus too! Get it?"
Got it. 
It should also be noted that Old Hickory, as Andrew Jackson was called, had a great fondness for the Spoils System, which rewarded his supporters with political positions, further concentrated and entrenched his and later presidents’ executive power. The other fact that gets lost in all of this controversy is how Jackson developed his own time machine and traveled to various points in history, setting things right. Hitler didn't commit suicide. Andrew Jackson. Navy Seals and Osama bin Laden? Jackson. Ever the innovator, Andrew Jackson owned one hundred sixty slaves right up until the time of his death on his plantation. Probably part of his master plan for emancipation through relocation. People don't ask why.
Actually, I do. All the time lately. 

No comments: