Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Merry Christmas (War Is Over)

Good news, true believers! The Constitution is finally on your collective side. The War Powers Act of 1973 was created to ensure that it would take the combined efforts of the Executive and Legislative branches of our government to commit our forces to conflicts across the globe. Now that these parts are now aligned in Right Thinking, we can finally win the War On Christmas!
 “When I started eighteen months ago, I told my first crowd in Wisconsin that we’re going to come back here someday and we are going to say ‘Merry Christmas’ again,”  President Elect and presumptive Cheeto Trump said on Tuesday. “Merry Christmas — so, Merry Christmas, everyone. Happy New Year, but Merry Christmas.” Whew. At last, victory on the home front. Even the current Muslim in Chief had to succumb. He ended his last news conference of his administration with the words, "Merry Christmas." Finally, the presumptive Christmas-celebrating majority in these United States will no longer have to experience those non-specific Happy Holidays. They can have so much holly and mistletoe that it will be coming out of their Santa hat covered ears. Without shame. Hallelujah! And I mean that in the most Christian way possible. 
Is this what makes America great? Again? Being able to say Merry Christmas? Again? Making room for all the other cultures and their celebrations via politically correct speech will no longer be necessary because the ruling class will now feel free to announce their pervasiveness by ignoring the rest of the world and their silly festivals and rituals. No more apologies. It's Christmas. Deal with it.
Now the rest of the culture wars will start to heat up. Making those baristas have to shout "Trump" and scribble "Merry Christmas" on all their cups at your nearest Starbucks? It's going to make that Gingerbread Latte so much more sweet. We can start celebrating the way baby Jesus made the days longer again and in his infinite baby Jesus powers brought forth the New Year. Which will no longer be called "New Year's." That will be Christmas too. All over again. Like Groundhog Day. Except it will be, you know...

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