We have no idea where Osama bin Laden is. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel a whole lot better just to have it out there. In the open. Where we can all just deal with it. The top of our Top Ten List is missing and presumed, well, missing. He may be in Pakistan. He may be in Afghanistan. He might be in Wheretheheckisthatistan, but for all of our looking and wishing and hoping, he continues to elude us.
For a while there, we took some solace in the notion that he might be dead. That was our shot at a feel-good moment. But it also meant that we weren't able to exact our very specific and total revenge upon him. Capo di tutti capi expired quietly in a cave somewhere in the mountains between one of the various 'stans, hopefully from some very virulent strain of pneumonia that affected his bowels as well.
Just three months after the attacks of September 11, 2001, U.S. troops had a bead on him, but the decision was made not to send massive force after him into the hills of Tora Bora. And since then, those tapes keep showing up. The ones that taunt and exhort and remind us that Osama bin Laden was the guy who put the "F" in "fanatic." I'm sure the CIA is checking the return address and postage, but still no bin Laden.
That is why I make this suggestion: Try as I might, I was unable to stay hidden from my alma mater. It only took one phone call for my mother to give me up. We know where he went to high school. Now all we have to do is put their alumni association on him. What a coup it would be for them to have him at the next reunion. We send a couple of guys to hang out at the registration table and wait for him to pick up his name tag, and then we make our move. You can thank me later.