Sunday, July 12, 2009

Did You See That?

I'll admit it: I'm tired of waiting for football season to start. It doesn't help that our local baseball franchise has been playing so poorly this year that my family has passed up two separate opportunities to go see them for free. Currently they are much more useful to us as fodder for comedy. My son wants to rename them "The Oakland Anaesthetics," while my wife and I are trying to put together a roving band of critics to be called "The Oakland Aesthetics." And we're still a month away from the preseason.
What could fuel my need for spectator sports in the meantime? I can continue to check the standings in the Tour de France, but watching it is about as exciting as watching a bicycle race. By odd coincidence, I happened to see Michael Phelps set another World Record. Normally I wouldn't bother with swimming unless it was an Olympic event, but Michael kept his race under a minute, so I appreciated that. Will I end up watching Mixed Martial Arts bouts soon?
No, instead I believe that I will dedicate myself to getting a peek at the video of the alleged monster dunk that was slammed over the head of LeBron James. "Alleged" because currently all video evidence of this "facial" being applied to King James was confiscated by Nike, his royal highness' major sponsor.
Xavier sophomore Jordan Crawford dunked on LeBron James during a pick-up game at a basketball camp. Nike swallowed up all video evidence of the embarrassment. Abruptly debate ensued about whether the tapes were taken because they were humiliating to LeBron or because of a long-standing Nike policy. Just exactly what that policy might be should keep me entertained for at least as long as it takes for Michael Phelps to pound out a few more laps. Don't you want to see some high school kid tag a Barry Zito pitch into McCovey Cove? How about some twelve-year-old out-putting Tiger Woods on the back nine at Augusta? Maybe even some little girl in water wings edging Mister Phelps at the wall in the hundred meter butterfly?
Or maybe I'll just have to wait for training camp to open and hope for some video of Terrell Owens getting knocked off his route by a ball boy.
Nike: Just Don't.


Anonymous said...

I'm going to start a local first-aid business called the Oakland Antiseptics.


Mrs. Id said...

God, this is SOOOO boring!

Could you instead please report on designer showcases? Or beaux arts rennovations? Or art exhibits?

If it must be sports, how about steeplechase? (Gorgeous horseflesh!) Or synchronized swimming? Or ice dancing? (The sheer athleticism!)

—Commissioner, Oakland Aesthetics

Anonymous said...

I'm always sad to see August arrive: End of Summer & beginning of Football season.