News on the March

Let's see what's in the news today (shuffle, shuffle, shuffle). Well, how 'bout that? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes finally had their baby. Says right here that it is human and apparently female. The planet breathes a collective sigh as the child is born into the world to continue the spiritual and creative lineage of the star of "Losin' It" and "Teaching Mrs. Tingle." At last I'll finally get some sleep...
Wait a minute. What's this? "Bush won't exclude Iran nuke strike." Okay, maybe there are one or two more pressing matters than the birth of "Suri" (What, all the "good names" like "Apple" and "Banjo" were taken?). Back at the underground lair that has become our nation's capital, asked if his options included planning for a nuclear strike, Bush said: "All options are on the table. We want to solve this issue diplomatically and we're working hard to do so." To be fair, the United States is encouraging the imposition of sanctions before the use of "Nookyoolur" weapons becomes necessary.
Still, speculation about a U.S. attack has increased since a report in New Yorker magazine said this month the Bush administration was considering the option of using tactical nuclear weapons to knock out Iran's underground nuclear sites. Sadly, I used to read the New Yorker for the cartoons. Now I am stuck with this: "One of the military’s initial option plans, as presented to the White House by the Pentagon this winter, calls for the use of a bunker-buster tactical nuclear weapon, such as the B61-11, against underground nuclear sites." I want more funny pictures with captions I can pretend to understand.
Didn't these people see "Dr. Strangelove?"

General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.
President Merkin Muffley: You're talking about mass murder, General, not war!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.

The problem here is that it's the President who's got the wild-eyed look. Well, him and the flesh-eating cyborg he has for a vice-president. Maybe "Strangelove" isn't quite it after all. Maybe instead our lives are starting to resemble a David Cronenberg adaptation of a Stephen King novel. In "The Dead Zone" psychic Johnny Smith envisions a near future with a local politician who has worked and clawed his way into the Oval Office, and he is on the brink of his own "final solution":

Greg Stillson: Put your hand on the scanning screen, and you'll go down in history with me!
Five Star General: As what? The world's greatest mass murderers?
Greg Stillson: You cowardly bastard! You're not the voice of the people, I am the voice of the people! The people speak through me, not you!

Okay, now are you ready to look at some baby pictures from Tom and Katie? Keep watching the shiny object. You're getting sleepy. Very, very sleepy.