Monday, June 13, 2005

Saddest Movie Ever

There are certain movies that, when flitting about in channel roulette, I find myself landing and staying even though I've seen the film dozens of times prior. A partial list: "King Kong," "Citizen Kane," "Animal Crackers," "Stripes," and (of course) "Roadhouse." These are the sure-fire ways to get Dave to ride the couch hard for two hours. Repeat watching is a lot like macaroni and cheese - or anything with cheese for that matter - it's comfort food for the brain.
To this list I will now add "Superman II." This is the one where Superman (who it turns out, really is a dick, at least in the comic books) decides to give up his super powers to marry Lois Lane. After a pretty simple process that seems to involve going into a sound-proof booth and having a red light turned on him, Supes becomes (in real life) Clark (nerd) Kent. We should all be so lucky to have our potential mates be willing to change/sacrifice to the super extent that Clark does for Lois.
That's not the reason I keep watching. Once there is no Superman, the Earth is ripe for conquest by General Zod and his black vinyl posse. Lex Luthor gets into the act by making Lois hostage bait (Superman's girlfriend, after all) and suddenly the world isn't safe without Superman. Sooooo - Clark has to go trudging back up to the North Pole (or thereabouts - wherever the Fortress of Solitude is) and has to undo the deal so he can commence to whupping some super butt again.
To skip a reel or two of Superman getting even, there's the last couple of minutes - where things get really interesting. Superman has gone back to being Superman, but Lois still knows that Clark is Superman. To alleviate this situation, Clark plants a big wet super-one on Lois, and when she is able to focus again, it's like the whole thing never happened. Clark is just some goof that helps her keep tabs on her big crush: Superman.
Here's the kicker - no one erases Superman's memory. He's stuck with the thought of what could have been, and he's going to keep working two desks away from the love of his life knowing that he can never really have her. Wouldn't that super suck?
Still, don't think Superman (we said he was a dick, remember?) will let this end without somebody getting some super abuse. Back in the first act, when Clark has lost his powers, he gets bounced around by a trucker in a roadside diner when he tries to stick up for Lois when he is no longer the Man of Steel. Before the credits roll, Supes heads back to the diner and wipes the place up with the trucker - considerately leaving a little something on the counter for any of the damages he may have incurred while crushing the spine of the mere mortal. What a sense of humor these Kryptonians have!
If you're ever trying to get in touch with me - remember to check the AMC schedule first for "Superman II" - I won't be answering the phone.

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