Numbers Game

 So much of my self esteem is wrapped up in numbers. 

I recently wrote about the game-ifying of my movements thanks to Artificial Intelligence. Breaking down the quality of my day based on the number of steps my watch believes I have taken sits at the top of this worry I have about not being good enough. Meeting and exceeding my goal for tramping across the ground around me is a priority for me. 

And once I have made it that far, then I head to the shower where before I step in I stand on the scale to see if somehow I have managed to shave off a pound here or there. Or if I have somehow managed to gain weight in spite of all those aforementioned steps. 

Then there are the numbers that don't get the kind of play that these easily captured points of data get. Starting with my blood pressure. Once I found myself hanging around with other sixty year olds, my doctor felt that my systolic had creeped into the region of concern, if not outright panic. So besides taking a tiny pill daily to make that number smaller, I have also broken out our family blood pressure cuff to take periodic measurement. And since my visits to the doctor have confirmed that my blood pressure tends to go up when I am aware that my blood pressure is being measured, it sometimes takes me a few tries and some calming meditations to get an accurate reading. "Hmmm. It says here that I should have splattered across the room five minutes ago."

Add to this the barrage of data thrown at me after each doctor visit. Cholesterol, red and white counts, and a battery of tests that happily skew solidly into the range of "normal," and I am equipped with enough information to go see a specialist to run more tests that will most certainly bring me news about my continuing deterioration. 

Then there's my pulse rate. My pride and joy. On several occasions I have gone to donate blood and had the techs ask, "Is it normally this low?" At which point I tell them that I run most every day and ride my bike to and from school. "Oh," they nod, "you exercise." Which is exactly why I feel worthy of showing up to give away some of my precious bodily fluids. 

In spite of all those numbers that suggest that it may not be such a great idea.