Buzz Kill

A group of American doctors urge kids and teens to avoid energy drinks and only consume sports drinks in limited amount. How many electrolytes does one actually need, anyway? "Children never need energy drinks," said Doctor Holly Benjamin, of the American Academy of Pediatrics, who worked on this new report. "They contain caffeine and other stimulant substances that aren't nutritional, so you don't need them."
Need them? Since when was "need" the concern? I thought the whole idea of being a teenager was to see what the limits of your mind and body are, then push just a little harder. It is certain that the makers of these drinks are not targeting the thirty-year-old demographic with their Monster and Rock Star beverages. They are after the kids who can sleep until noon the next day after a binge. Doctor Holly recently saw a fifteen-year-old boy with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder who came into the hospital with a seizure after having drunk two twenty-four-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew. When I was a kid, the ad campaign featured hillbillies insisting that this recipe that resembled Prestone in color would "tickle your innards." It was the drink of choice of my high school marching band because it had been determined that the caffeine level was higher than Pepsi or Coca-Cola. If we had access to Red Bull back in those days, we would have insisted that the vendor put an additional button on the machine to give us one more choice: More Red Bull.
Jolt Cola on the other had, was something that I was able to find in great abundance during my college years. It brought me up while Miller Lite brought me down. It was self-medication in its purest form. What do the doctors say? They say that water is still the best way to quench your thirst. But what's the best way to cram an entire semester's worth of American History in your head over the course of one night? If you have to ask, you're too old, man.