Through The Cracks

 As I wandered the hallways of Horace Mann last week, I felt sad. Sad because I know all the tiles and the cracks in them. Sad because knowing where the cracks in the tile are in this school won't probably won't match up with the cracks in the tile in any other school or office in the district. 

I am, for those unfamiliar, a huge fan of ruts. This quarter century of Horace Mann is pretty much the deepest of all the ruts I have been able to generate. Familiarity does not breed contempt in this case, but the fear of having to learn a whole new set of names and places terrifies me. 

I'm a grownup, and I know this is not what we grownups refer to as a "growth mindset." Because I am spoiled. I have become so comfortable with the way things are that I have forgotten that they have not always been this way. If I think back to that first day that I piled onto the school bus that took this brand new teacher with a staff that was made up of half new teachers and half vets, I knew no one. When the first day of school for children arrived, I had to go through another round of strangers. The school building itself felt impossibly large, and finding my way to my own classroom became easier over time. The trip to the men's room came along soon after that. 

Back in those days, I had a key that would let me into one room. My room. If there was anywhere else I needed to go, I had to wait for a custodian or my principal to let me in. 

Now I have a master key. I let other people in. 

Listening to my current principal describe the year ahead of us, with the potential of our school's closure and all the usual stresses and challenges that face an urban elementary school. She told us we need to be strong. We need to be courageous. We need to move forward. And suddenly I was struck by this vision of us all leading our young charges out the front door, whenever that last day is, and out into the world. That's something we have always done. I have always done. What happens after that moment will be different. Maybe I will turn around and go back inside to pack up boxes. Maybe I will go straighten up to prepare for another year in the rut. 

There are plenty of cracks that I have yet to explore.