Mister Science, can you tell us a little about yourself?
"Well, I was born in the year of our Lord 1948, just about five hundred years after the last dinosaur."
"I was raised by a loving, conservative mother and father and the help. My nanny used to read me stories before I was strapped into bed."
"A lot of it was fiscal policy, but there were also a great many tales of adventure in high finance."
So how did you come to your interest in science?
"I don't think you would call it an 'interest' so much as a passion. I come by that from long weekends staring out the window of my bedroom, trying to figure out how things work."
"Clouds, for example. I've looked at clouds from both sides now, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall."
"Like climate change. All those days and weeks turned into months and years, and I can tell you that every year when the snows came, Smithson would be out there shoveling the walks, until it was time to mow the lawn again. See, the climate has always changed. There's no need to panic."
What about the way temperatures have risen across the globe over the past century?
"Isn't that great? It makes things so much more cozy for us all. It's like someone knew that what we really needed was room temperature everywhere. Just take a sweater."
"Do I really have to spell it out for you?"
No. I guess you don't.
"Besides, there are so many other things we can talk about."
"I have recently turned my laser focus onto subjects that affect us all: Crime Scene Investigation."
"Like that poor man in Saudi Arabia, Jamal Khashoggi."
The journalist who was murdered?
"Murdered? Is that what the lame-stream media is telling you? It was an unfortunate cooking accident."
"It's what can happen when you don't come prepared and use the proper tools."
"Well, obviously he shouldn't have been using a bone saw to filet halibut. I tell you, he's just lucky those nice young men were there to help him. It could have been so much worse."
Nice young men? The eighteen assassins who intercepted him in the embassy?
"Assassins? Is that what they're telling you? A tragic accident. He must have fallen on that bone saw a dozen times. Just a bunch of fellow foodies trying their best to make lemonade out of lemons."
Right. Thank you, Mister Science.