Saturday, March 03, 2018

Witch Hunt

February 27, 2018, the "President" issued a tweet of two words: WITCH HUNT. I can only assume he was referring to this unpublished bit of a screenplay:

VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn him?
CROWD: Burn him! Burn!
MEULLER: How do you know he is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: He looks like one.
MEULLER: Bring himforward.
WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
MEULLER: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the hair.
MEULLER: The red tie?
VILLAGER #1: And the red tie-- but he is a witch!
CROWD: Burn him! Witch! Witch! Burn him!
MEULLER: Did you dress him up like this?
CROWD: No, no... no... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: He has got a wart.
MEULLER: What makes you think he is a witch?
VILLAGER #3: Well, he turned me into a newt.
MEULLER: A newt?
VILLAGER #3: I got better.
VILLAGER #2: Burn him anyway!
CROWD: Burn! Burn him!
MEULLER: Quiet! quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
VILLAGER #2: Do they hurt?
MEULLER: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
MEULLER: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
MEULLER: So, why do witches burn?
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood?
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah.
MEULLER: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of him.
MEULLER: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
MEULLER: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw him into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
MEULLER: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Uhhh, gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
CROWD: Oooh.
MEULLER: Exactly! So, logically...
VILLAGER #1: If... he... weighs the same as a duck.. he's made of wood.
MEULLER: And therefore?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!
MEULLER: We shall use my largest scales!
MEULLER: Right, remove the supports!
[whop] [creak]
CROWD: A witch! A witch!
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
CROWD: Burn him! Burn him!
MEULLER: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ONCE AND FUTURE KING: I am Pence, King of the Hoosiers.
MEULLER: My liege!
ONCE AND FUTURE KING: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?
MEULLER: My liege! I would be honored.
ONCE AND FUTURE KING: What is your name?
MEULLER: Meuller, my leige.
ONCE AND FUTURE KING: Then I dub you Sir Meuller, Knight of the Round Table.
Nineteen indictments and seven guilty pleas - so far. 

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