I apologize. On behalf of all America's white male adults, it is with heartfelt regret that I announce we got our way: Donald Trump is president. I could make excuses about how I didn't vote for him and I don't know anyone who did. But I do. They were white males. I could argue that I did my part by ensuring that the liberal enclaves of California and Colorado came back blue and those were my responsibility. But that doesn't quite add up, since the red tide swept across the hills and valleys between.
I am sorry that we are so filled with hate and fear that the possibility of having a woman of any color causes us to foam at the mouth. To that point, I have to take full responsibility for Rudy Guliani. That means we will all have another four years of spittle-infused 9/11 rhetoric spewed at us from on high. White guy. Sorry.
There are dozens, if not hundreds, of loud mouths behind Rudy and in front of him that will commence to crowing and spewing their brand of "truth" at us starting now and ranting on and on into what will seem like perpetuity. I'm sorry about that. The fact that we have just given Ted Nugent fifteen more minutes of anything approximating fame is a national tragedy and again, all my fault.
There will be a lot of sad faces, anxious faces, angry faces that will need to be met in the next few months, gearing up for a Trump presidency. I apologize for the way that women and Latinos and African-Americans and Muslims and a list that continues to stretch on and on were disrespected and treated. The frustration and depression that will be felt throughout our communities is all the fault of the Great White Male. The morning after the election, I had to intercede in a conversation between two fifth grade girls, one of whom was telling her Latina friend that she and her family had "better get your papers together" since the government would be coming to round up all the immigrants. These girls were friends, mind you. I can only imagine what kind of terse discussions took place in other neighborhoods around this great land of ours.
Mostly, I want to apologize for all the hurt and fear that has been caused as a result of this ridiculous need for we, the entitled white guys, to flex our muscles. I am sorry that we feel the need to express ourselves in such slobbering, knuckle-dragging ways. We are not nearly as evolved as all these centuries of evolution suggest we should be.
If we believed in evolution.
Sorry, this is going to take some time to unravel and am afraid that there will be a lot more boorish behavior and "locker room talk" before we arrive at some level of civility. It is not, it would seem, our strong suit. Saying whatever comes into our heads and grabbing whatever gets in our way would be the kind of thing at which we excel. It would be nice to say that I expect to have this matter all cleaned up in the next few months, but I don't imagine it will be quick and painless, and for that you have my most humble apologies.
- A. White Male