Friday, July 17, 2015

Aloha, Bill

Dear Mister Cosby,
I don't know if you heard, but your pal Whoopi is shifting her View on you. It would seem that if it walks like a rapist, talks like a rapist, and buys quaaludes like a rapist, then it's probably a rapist. After giving you the benefit of the doubt in all kinds of public ways, Whoopi Goldberg had this to say after a segment in which she was educating herself on the statute of limitations on sexual assault cases: "It looks bad, Bill," she said. "Either speak up or shut up." She apparently is ready to turn in her "innocent until proven guilty" rhetoric in the face of what is becoming a mountain of evidence and accusation.
Okay, two little facts you should know about me before we go any further: I once applied and paid the dues for a membership in the American Civil Liberties Union. That way I could tell people that I was, in fact, a card-carrying member of the ACLU. You might be familiar with them. They tend to look after the rights of the individual, the ones guaranteed to us by the United States Constitution. This one would be mostly the sixth amendment, since "innocent until proven guilty" does not appear in that document. Again, in the interest of transparency, I let my membership lapse since it seems that being able to tell people that you are a card carrying member of the ACLU isn't as amusing as I thought it was going to be and I can still support the ideals of that organization without the card. That's why I will happily support a fair and speedy trial, during which you will be judged by a jury of your peers.
Which brings me to the the second fact: For me, it would be hard to find those peers, at least when it comes to standup comedy. I have been a fan since I was able to sit up and listen to your stories pouring out of my parent's hi-fi. Go-carts and Fat Albert and Shop Class and, of course, The Chicken Heart. These were formative experiences to me. At my house, we regularly sing dad's praises with the Chocolate Cake song. I am not letting go of those memories, but now it's time to box them up and put them away. It looks bad, Bill. Really bad.
Goodbye, Bill.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

But he had such an excellent recipe for Quaalude laced Jell-O shots -