Saturday, March 26, 2011

Rock Star From Mars

A few days ago, I suggested that we blame all the bad things that happen here on the vague but powerful forces of astrophysics. Gravity, after all, isn't just a good idea. It's the law. That's why I figured that returning to an age when planets and their positions would rule the Earth. The moon started to move further away from us, and suddenly my headache went away. The tilt of the axis of our globe has shifted slightly, and suddenly we're bombing Libya. Or perhaps it has more to do with the fact that Obama is a Leo and Gaddafi is a Gemini.
Or maybe aliens are to blame. Sammy Hagar, noted entrepreneur and rock star and now author, has decided to come clean about all his wild ways: Beings from another planet hijacked his brain. "They were plugged into me. It was a download situation. Or, they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment." This would explain the penchant for red clothes and self-professed inability to obey traffic ordinances. It might also explain his tortured meandering through the pages of the history of rock and roll. The poor guy just can't seem to hold a job.
So, if this is the case with the legendary "Red Rocker," imagine how much fun sentient beings could have messing with the cerebral cortex of, say, Donald Rumsfeld. Imagine that extraterrestrials are using ours as some sort of Sim-Planet. It would explain so very much of what seems like random happenstance. Starting a war? Aliens hijacked your brain. Lose billions on the housing market? Long-distance alien probes are probably the cause. Forget to take the trash out? Alien interference. It's all so clear, suddenly. Of course, if you just ---disregard the previous entry as nonsense written by someone who has obviously been under a great deal of stress lately and probably shouldn't be trusted.
Wow. The headaches just came back.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well, alien intervention could go a long way toward explaining the Van Hagar years. But it doesn't explain everything.