Inventory Time

J.D. Salinger will no longer be counted among the "reclusive authors," but will now reside in the "dead authors" file. If love means never having to say you're sorry, what does death mean, Erich Segal? There is no truth to the rumor that doctors list Doug Fieger's cause of death as "got the Knack." Alexander Haig can now be found rushing about Heaven, insisting that he's in charge. Peter Graves never did get to visit that Turkish prison. Lena Horne is currently in charge of stormy weather. Ronnie James Dio will have an opportunity to explore what happens after a lifetime of singing about Satan. Gary Coleman has always known what Willis was talking about, but he won't get to tell Art Linkletter, even though it's the darndest thing. Dennis Hopper is doing research on his next big comeback. John Wooden continues to win basketball games from beyond the grave. I suggest you wait a year before sampling any of Jimmy Dean's sausage again. Senator Robert Byrd is going to be just a little late to that roll call vote. George Steinbrenner is working on a deal to come back to life in a trade for Alex Rodriguez. Ted Stevens will be appearing as a central tunnel support in Alaska's new billion dollar highway project. Word has just come in that someone has snatched Kevin McCarthy's body. Tony Curtis now lies yondah in de castle of his faddah. Tom Bosley and Barbara Billingsley are setting up housekeeping in paradise. Everybody cry when Kong die, but I don't know if everyone could say the same thing about Dino De Laurentiis. Blake Edwards will directing the whole mess of them in a farce called the afterlife. Aloha.