Guar-Un-Teed

Homestretch time, kiddies. Even though virtually every poll in the nation has him trailing by a significant margin, John McCain said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press” that he can “guarantee” a win on election day in a squeaker victory that won’t be clear until late that night. What else could he say? Recent history tells us that that Republicans have been winning late night squeaker elections for a while now. The suggestion that the results would be clear before bedtime seems like a dream of a distant era.
And what could he have told Tom Brokaw this morning? "You know, my friend, I've been doing a lot of thinking this past week, and I don't really like the way my campaign has been handling things. We've gotten away from the things we do best, and worst of all, I haven't been completely straight with the American people. Let's face it: I'm seventy-two years old, and if I'm going to make it to the Oval Office as something other than a visitor, this is my last chance. I'm desperate, but that's no excuse." And as Tom shifts uneasily in his chair, Senator John McCain concludes, "I believe that Barack Obama is precisely the kind of maverick that I hoped that I could be, but I've sold my soul so many times in the past eight years, I wouldn't know straight talk now if it came up to me on the street and licked me in the face. That's why I am suspending my campaign and putting all of my support behind the Senator from Illinois. I want you all to go out there and make Barack Obama the first consensus choice for President of the United States." At which point, a stunned Tom Brokaw would crawl back up on his chair.
But that's not what happened. Instead we will all live through the next nine days, waiting to see if "Broadway John" can deliver on his boast. Or perhaps, since John's background is less sports-centered and more about military history, maybe a boast from the annals of U.S. history would be more appropriate: "There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry." -- George Armstrong Custer.
See you at the polls, John.