No Surprises Here

I have long maintained this notion: When I die, I don't want people scratching their collective heads trying to imagine what could have possibly done me in. I expect that the number of cheeseburgers, french fries and Coca-Cola Classic will be the most obvious sign posts for my imminent demise. Don't get me wrong. I know what a "proper diet" is. I know what exercise is. I have begun to imagine moderation as a form of life-extending assistance. Still, I don't want my passing to be like Jim Fixx - the health equivalent of the serial killer living next door: "He seemed like such a quiet/healthy guy. We never would have expected him to cut sixteen girl scouts into filet strips/drop dead on mile twelve of a thirty mile run."
I just don't want you to be surprised. Which is why this morning's news came as a lovely little eye opener. Joy Bauer, M.S., R.D., C.D.N. (M.O.U.S.E.) would like us to know that certain healthy food choices aren't that healthy at all. 2% Reduced-Fat Milk: 2% reduced-fat milk is not that low-fat/low-calorie when you consider that whole milk is 3.3% fat. Oops. I suppose I'll have to switch to that grey liquid called "Skim Milk." The very name sounds unappealing, doesn't it? "This would be what was left over after all the milk was gone."
Ready for more? Consider this: 12 small pieces of dried mango = 320 calories, 2 red apples + 15 grapes + ½ small cantaloupe = 320 calories. That's because dried fruit has no moisture, but all the sugar. Great. Joy continues to admonish us that, "One 24-ounce smoothie provides about 450 calories. That's the same amount of calories in 10-12 doughnut holes!" How on earth did she know what my daily allowance of donut holes was?
And so we're left with this: It's not really the food, but the portions. I'm guessing there probably is anrecommendedd daily allowance for Hostess Ding Dongs, it's just soimperceptiblyy tiny that no one has bothered to publish it. There is one other certainty: I am way, way, way ahead on my RDA for Oreos.