Is It Hot In Here?

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson said on Thursday the wave of scorching temperatures across the United States had converted him into a believer in global warming. Please feel free at this point to construct your own joke about hell freezing over.
Now that we've gotten past that, we're left with the tiniest mind on the planet who has yet to confront the scientific evidence of global warming: President Pinhead. This is the guy who pulled out of the international Kyoto Protocol - setting limits on emissions causing global warming - soon after he took office in 2001, saying it would hurt the economy and unfairly favored developing countries. With no effective military response to global warming, President Pinhead was stymied.
Well, good news is on the way for Needle-Noggin: The latest heat wave to strike the east coast has claimed the lives of more than twenty-five Americans (okay, that's not good news - wait for it). In New York, the heat was not unusual for Iman Arbab, 57, a native of Sudan who sells newspapers from a crate outside Pennsylvania Station in Manhattan. "For me, 100 degrees — it's normal," Arbab said Thursday. Not unusual? Sudan? Isn't that somewhere over there in the Middle-East-ish? Aren't thesegreenhouseegasess emitted by fossil-fuel burning engines? Isn't the chief export from most of those Middle-East-ish countries some sort of fossil fuel? Therefore fossil fuel is killing Americans! If we raise the temperature by as much as five degrees, the terrorists win! Irecommendd we go to some sort of color-coded warning system that alerts all Americans to the potential threat of Global Warming. Now TV meteorologists can get as worked up as their buddies across the news desk. The Weather Channel ratings will soar. We can still buy lots of plastic sheeting and duct tape for those shifts in arctic climates, but we will also need to stock up on fans and Gatorade. The economy is stimulated, we live in fear, and we can all await the melting of the polar ice caps together. Everybody Wins! And we have God's Little Elf to thank. Pat Robertson, we salute you!