God's Own Drunk

Back in the day, we used to refer to Saint Patrick's Day as "amateur's night." This was our way of suggesting that if you really needed an excuse to get "faced," then you weren't living right. I have generally subscribed to the ten stages of drunkenness posited by the poet James Buffett:
stage 1
Witty and charming:
Hey how you doin' there. Hey Hey.

stage 2:
Warm Family Man:
Of course I love my wife but she's in Phoenix.

stage 3:
God Damned Patriotic American:
I mean we don't need any nuclear weapons they're drinkin' themselves to death on vodka

stage 4:
Clairvoyance:
Don't tell me anything I know what you're gonna say:

stage 5:
The turning point of most people of the evening: To Hell with dinner
There's nutrition in beer.

stage 6:
Witty and Charming Part 2:
Not a pretty sight.

number 7:
Break out the k-y jelly baby! Oh Baby!

number 8:
invisible:
You can't see me 'cause I'm not even here.

number 9:
bulletproof

number 10:
God's own drunk and a fearless man:

My challenge was that I rarely saw stages one through five. I tended to start the evening at "Witty and Charming Part 2." A lot of folks ask me why I don't drink anymore, and I would say this is the main reason: It wasn't that I was no good at drinking - quite the contrary, I was exceptionally good at the drinking part. It was the "dealing with other human beings" part that tended to cheese things up a bit. As a result, I've got lots and lots of stories that start "We got really drunk one night and..." They all have various levels of danger and intrigue associated with them, but I am here to tell you that the fact that I was embarrassingly lucky on a number of occasions not to have ended up in jail or dead. This is the part where the bull narrowly misses the matador and the crowd howls its approval. That's the problem with messing with bulls - sooner or later you're going to get the horns. Ole!
Tonight I have been sober for seventeen years, and my wife and son are baking me a cake. If I needed another reason to stay clean, here it is: it's a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.