Gettysburg Address

 Crimes? You want crimes? How about crimes against history?

When I was eleven years old, my family traveled across the country to visit historical sites, eventually landing in Washington DC, where we were immersed in all that city had to offer in terms of our past and our present and what would eventually become "the good old days." 

But first, we stopped in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. For those of you who are not familiar, this was the site of the bloodiest confrontations of the American Civil War. Over fifty thousand soldiers perished over the course of the three day battle. Anxious to achieve a victory north of the Mason-Dixon line, Confederate General Robert E. Lee pushed ahead into Pennsylvania in hopes of forcing a negotiated surrender from the Union. For historical purposes, we have generally referred to the Confederacy as "the bad guys" and the "losers" not just of this battle but of the Civil War. They were the ones who wanted slavery. 

The Union was led by General George Meade, who chased Lee and his battered army south again, but failed to surround them, thereby missing the potential Union victory. The US Civil War went on for another two years after that, with the Union eventually securing that delayed victory and slavery was abolished in the United States. 

I was able to take most of this in when I was in elementary school. One might imagine that a grown man, born and raised not far from the site of that piece of history might be able to assimilate some of this information, especially in preparation for a speech to be given on those hallowed grounds. But if you're a former game show host, twice impeached and facing multiple indictments, maybe your mind isn't fully on your history lessons: “Gettysburg. Wow. I go to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, to look and to watch. And the statement of Robert E. Lee ― who’s no longer in favor, did you ever notice that? No longer in favor ― ‘Never fight uphill, me boys, never fight uphill.’ They were fighting uphill. He said, ‘Wow, that was a big mistake.’ He lost his great general, and they were fighting. ‘Never fight uphill, me boys!’ But it was too late.”

Sounds a little like the bloated sack of orange protoplasm might have missed the memo. Points for getting the city and state correct. And naming one of the major players. But this is the guy who would like to Make America Great Again, but he can't even remember what made America great in the first place. 

Maybe he should stick to selling bibles and sneakers.