White Bread And Circuses

 There is a scene in Stand By Me where Teddy and Vern are briefly embroiled in a discussion about a fight between Mighty Mouse and Superman. This is the kind of hypothetical that drives so much of pre-adolescent curiosity. I am the proud owner of a somewhat worse for wear copy of an oversized comic from 1976 that featured the battle between the aforementioned Supes and young upstart Spider Man. Even at the tender age of fourteen, I was able to parse out just how futile this match, billed as The Battle of the Century, would wind up. The combined writing and editorial staffs of DC and Marvel comics dressed up the situation with some pseudo-science that explained the quantum leap that Spidey's strength would have to undergo in order to make the hyped conflict between these costumed crusaders. But really, who were they kidding?  It turned out to be a big misunderstanding that eventually got these two flagship heroes working together to take down their respective nemeses, Doctor Octopus and Lex Luthor.

Forty years later, the folks at DC/Warner Brothers/Discovery/Taco Bell decided they could try this same kind of shenanigan in house by pitting Superman against a heavily armored, Kryptonite-enhanced Batman. And wouldn't you know it? Lex Luthor had a hand in that one too. My son, who was a fan of those preposterous giant transforming robot movies found this one hard to swallow. Eventually the secret identities of Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent chose to combine forces because that's how these things work. This is how the entertainment world provides spectacle to the masses of preadolescent minds. 

The same kind of preadolescent minds behind the "cage match" that is rumored to be taking place between Elongated Mush and Mark "Life Zucks" Zuckerberg. Their superpowers are a point of speculation to be sure, but appearing translucent and buying other people's technology would be my suggestions for these two. Interchangeably. The casual geek watcher might suggest that the smart money would be on Zuck, since he seems to be raring to go, while Mush complains of the need for an MRI and possible surgery to alleviate the pressure that his mouth is putting on his ego. 

But who actually cares? Who actually wins in a contest between imaginary heroes? Once the contest takes place, all speculation is removed and immediately thereafter the rationalizations can commence. Whether this Celebrity Deathmatch occurs in Zuck's back yard or the Coliseum in Rome, this kind of clash of titans exists most effectively in the mind of ten to twelve year olds. Once it spills out into the real world, all speculation is gone. Wouldn't it be cool if peanut butter and jelly came in the same jar? Well, as it turns out, not really. Some things are better left to the imagination. 

And some things should be purged from the imagination to make room for more giant robots.