Thursday, May 11, 2023

Here's The Pitch

 The screenwriter in me was moved, ever so briefly, to write a movie in which super heroes were given the task of dealing with the world in which we currently live. Like the costumed crusaders who would now be busy protecting shoppers at the local mall from neo-Nazis ready to open fire in front of the food court. Because that's where you'd expect evil to hang out, right? 

No more super-villains with their monologuing and hideouts in dormant volcanoes. The bad guys are all around us, and they didn't have to go to superspy school to get a license to kill. They just went down to the local gun shop, signed a couple of forms and walked out ready to kill helpless civilians. Ready for the twist? Just before the superhuman is about to break the semiautomatic rifle over the head of the suspected bad guy, a frenzy of "good guys with guns" starts up as the assembled crowd begins to crow about their God-given right to carry fully loaded weapons on a trip to TJ Maxx. 

We don't really want to be saved. If you listen to Megyn Kelly, you might believe that the debate over gun control is over and those who seek to infringe in any meaningful way on the blessed Second Amendment have lost. "Serious q for gun control advocates: you’ve failed to effect change. Pls face it. You can’t do it, thx to the 2A. We’re all well aware you don’t like that fact, but fact it is. What’s next? Must we just stay here sad, concerned, lamenting? Could we possibly talk OTHER SOLUTIONS?" Keeping in mind that Ms. Kelly let this one go just a few hours after the Nazi shot up the mall in Allen, Texas.

And yes, I can imagine all kinds of ways that a super hero might shut her up, but that would be diminishing her second favorite amendment's protection. OTHER SOLUTIONS to mass shootings that don't involve gun control? In my model, it doesn't seem like the powers of mutant humanoids would be a lot of help against the pointy-headed freaks who insist that they need machine guns to protect their stuff, which consist mostly of more guns. Sounds like a job for Bizarro.

For those of you unfamiliar with the lore of Superman, Bizarro plays the role of anti-Supes, like a mirror image. In Bizarro's world, logic like "the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun" is top-shelf thinking. Given the premise that "guns don't kill people, people kill people," Bizarro would probably grab the nearest NRA member by the legs and beat the rest of the congregation to death with his weaponized corpse. Because that makes as much sense as anything else going on out there.

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