Here Is The News

 In the headlines:

Witnesses say that Vladimir Putin keeled over dead this afternoon. Initial suspicions are an overdose of testosterone. A Kremlin spokesman denied this report, insisting that the Russian leader was overwhelmed during a "wildlife exhibition" in Red Square. Bystanders reported that as Mister Putin stripped down to nothing but a pair of Speedos and entered the ring where ten kittens were waiting "to be subdued," he clutched his chest, then his private parts and screamed "Nyet!" The Russian people, upon hearing of their beloved leader's demise, responded "Putin who?"

In national news, Academy Award winning actress Meryl Streep removed her prosthetics and dull-eye contacts to reveal that she had, in fact, been "doing research for a part" by creating a character she called "the worst human being ever to be elected to public office." Supporters of Marjorie Taylor Greene were shocked by this revelation and claimed that if they had known that they were voting for Ms. Streep in the first place they still insisted on her carrying out her ridiculous agenda. When confronted with the reality that MTG was just a figment of someone's imagination, this same group of Georgia pinheads were quoted, "Huh?"

Locally, the Oakland Unified School District woke up from their thirty year nap and declared that they had discovered the missing money that had been thought wasted or misappropriated over the past few decades and declared that they would immediately halt their plans to close any schools in the city and would be putting forth a plan for paying back all the teachers who had been underpaid and schools that had been underfunded for all those years. The President of the School Board announced his resignation in shame, and offered to fully fund a new playground for Horace Mann Elementary out of his own funds and apologized for all the stress he had piled on the families, students and staff of that particular site. 

Meanwhile in sports, a bunch of grown men got paid for playing games. The mostly white male ownership of these various sports franchises announced that they would be making direct contributions to the food banks and homeless shelters in their communities, citing the many years that they had been swimming in rivers of cash while citizens within sight of their arenas were begging for a scrap of discarded hot dogs and living in carboard boxes next to the lots that were charging more for the privilege of parking than the tickets to get into the aforementioned games. 

We'll be right back with more on these stories and the news about Ted Cruz apologizing for every word he has ever uttered. Happy April Fool's Day.