Sunday, October 02, 2016

How To Be A Millionaire And Never Pay Taxes

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. "Dave.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?" First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, "Dave.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, 'You.. have never paid taxes'?" Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: "I forgot!" How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don't say "I forgot"? Let's say you're on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, "I forgot armed robbery was illegal." Let's suppose he says back to you, "You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, 'I forgot'?" Two simple words: Excuuuuuseme!!"
Thank you, Steve Martin.
Now, another camp: Why have you never paid taxes, Mister Billionaire? "Because I'm smart." Gales of derisive laughter ensue. Yes, Mister and Missus Electorate, one of our major party candidates would like you to know that part of being a success in this world is learning to bypass the rules. And not just the ones about using a private email server that your husband just happened to have lying around in the basement. Mister Troump would like us all to know that, out of the harsh glare of the lights and cameras of a nationally televised debate, of course he has paid federal income tax. What sort of crummy American would he be if he didn't pay his fair share?
Judging by his own litmus, a dumb one.
What is the actual real nitty gritty bare bones truth of the matter? Hard to say, since he has been most reticent when it comes to giving up his tax returns. This hasn't kept him from going on and on about his own vast fortune, but if you were curious just how much it costs to keep galloping about the globe putting big capital T's on things, we might never get the answer. We, who will be making our choice in the matter of Clinton v. Traemp in the ever-so-close future, will be the ones to decide just how smart all of this mishegas turns out to be. I suppose if you were auditioning to be the owner of a new hotel and casino, that might be an admirable bit of chicanery. Instead, we have a Cheeto, baked to a delicate crunch, announcing to his potential supporters that he has never paid taxes. 
Is that really smart?

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