Saturday, May 07, 2016

God's Will And Hard Truths*

There is good news: We no longer have to pretend to "like" Ted Cruz. After months of choosing the lesser of two evils, we can now focus on Darth Vader. If he wore a big orange helmet.
Right up until that last minute, I thought that Ted was going to carry through with his grand scheme to achieve the vision he received from heaven to assume the presidency of the United States. Maybe God hadn't taken the power of reality TV into account, which sort of figures since reality TV is so obviously the work of the Devil.
Why did Ted Cruz shut down his campaign so abruptly after polls closed in Indiana? “From the beginning, I’ve said that I would continue on as long as there was a viable path to victory,” Cruz said. Murmurs rose in the audience. “I’m sorry to say,” Cruz said  as cries of “No, no!” rang out, “it appears that path has been foreclosed.” This brought an even louder “NO!”
Well, in a word, "Yes." After surviving for more than a year, the Ted Express is limping not into the station but pulling off on to a spur so the freight train called Donald can fly by. God's will, apparently, will not be done. At least not here on earth.
Here on earth Ted succumbed to math. As he continued to hang around, scooping up wins in Kansas and Maine but dropping New York, the scoreboard flickered and groaned, trying to keep up with the delegates that Trumpipe was accruing. The magic number of one thousand two hundred thirty-seven is now just over the rise for the Master of all Apprentices. Ted kept scrapping away, spending his contributor's dollars like it was campaign funds, since we all know how expensive red white and blue bunting can be. 
But in the end, there was no amount of money that could wipe out that two-to-one margin that had opened up. Fear not, however, because Ted's fight for liberty has not been suspended. It just won't be from the Oval Office. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I might vote for Hillary,” said Jason Winters, a machinist from Crawfordsville, Indiana. “She’s a criminal. She’s a murderer. But she’s better than an authoritarian dictator.”
And speaking of tough choices, it was Samantha Bee tweeted, "Shouldn't #TedCruz have been forced to carry his unviable campaign to term?" Will the last clown out of the car make sure to turn off the bubble machine? 
*And John Kasich dropped out too. In case anyone was wondering.

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