Baseball season is here again, and a lot of people think this is the year that the West Michigan Whitecaps go all the way. At least that's what their promotions department would very much like us to believe. On May 8, for example, the first 1,000 fans can pick up your Sandy Pines RV Resort Magglio Ordonez Bobblehead. On June 6, legendary rockers Kansas will be performing at the ballpark, and parking will be just five dollars!
But I think the real reason people will be flocking to the Whitecaps' home field this year will be the Fifth Third Burger. Named for the ballpark, it is just about the same size as the right field bleachers. Sold exclusively at the stadium, it is five thirds (1.67) pounds of meat, smothered with chili, salsa, sour cream and cheese, topped with Fritos, lettuce, and tomato, all on a huge eight-inch sesame seed bun. And how much will a little treat like that cost you? Twenty bucks, but if you can choke the whole thing down over the course of a regulation game, you get a free T-shirt. You can get the shirt for sixteen dollars. You do the math.
None of this covers your medical expenses, and to that end, Susan Levin of the Washington-based Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine sent a letter to the Grand Rapids minor-league team on Tuesday. She's asking that the four thousand eight hundred-calorie burger be labeled a "dietary disaster" that increases the risk of cancer and heart disease. Five beef patties. Five slices of cheese. Nearly a cup of chili. And Fritos.
No such warning was suggested for the barbecued pork chop, or the Deep Fried Caramel Apples. Or listening to "Dust In The Wind."