Hey, don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are drunks. But that doesn't mean I should be forced to support and condone their habits. I don't drink, and I think the world would be better off if nobody else did. That's why I would like to suggest a constitutional amendment banning the sale and consumption of alcoholic beverages.
I know what you're thinking: "Hey, what about that Eighteenth Amendment? Didn't we already have Prohibition back in the 1920's? That didn't work out too well, did it?"
Okay, perhaps those thirteen years weren't our best effort. If we are truly devoted to lifting the moral and spiritual character of country out of its current low state, why not start with the gutters in which we find many of our saddest cases?
Think of the problems it will solve: Workers showing up on Monday morning without the burden of a forty-eight hour hangover. No more three-Martini lunches, more power lunches full of productivity. The front of the Drug War can now be expanded and will need many more trained "Buzz-Killers." Even those who have recently been laid off will rise bright and early to face the lines at the Unemployment Office with a smile on their face. And certainly there will be a whole lot less moral turpitude when we all sober up and face each day with a clear head and clean conscience. Finally we can stop spending all that time in our nation's classrooms teaching drinking games.
These are my personal beliefs, and I would be very pleased if my government would follow my every whim and prejudice, but in real life that's not what our government is supposed to do. We have a Supreme Court that decides which laws are constitutional and which are not. Here in California we have a Supreme Court that has already ruled on same-sex marriages. They said sexual orientation, like race or gender, "does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights." At the time, the ruling surprised legal experts because the court has a reputation for being conservative. Six of its seven judges are Republican appointees. So maybe it isn't just about what we believe, it's about what we believe is right.