Stakes

 I cannot lie. I do not understand cryptocurrency. I have tried to wrap my head around it. I have had my son walk me through it. He once made a couple hundred dollars in an exchange that I still can't comprehend. 

Which is fine, because it lives in a world that I do not enter often, if I enter it at all. I have retirement accounts. Periodically I have people who ask me if they could manage them. Then they ask me what I would like to do. Which is just a little disingenuous from my point of view, since I figured they would be managing this mystery fund that sits out there, just over the horizon with all sorts of restrictions and qualifications that require me to have someone managing this sadly small wad of cash in the first place. Manage it, I say. Make it into a slightly larger small wad of cash, please. And please don't let any of these transactions harm a polar bear or hasten the end of life as we know it on this planet. 

Sounds simple enough. Which is why the allure of pretend currency seems so attractive to those people who spent the end of the last century doing something called "day trading" from the comfort of their basement office/bunker. Making money with a few clicks of the mouse and then waiting for the precise second when an additional click would catapult you forward into vast riches seems more like a game played with a speedy blue hedgehog than high finance. Go from left to right as quickly as possible gathering as many golden rings as possible without running into spikes or vines or a cliff. Or another greedy hedgehog. 

While we're on the subject of hedgehogs, I confess that I do not have a working knowledge of hedge funds. What I do know can be encapsulated in the phrase "hedge fund bad." This simple rule is based entirely on the number of headlines I have read that include words like "indicted" or "arrested." I am supposing that whatever rules and guidelines I am afraid of in my personal finances are magnified in the world of funds that are hidden just out of sight from people like Robert Plant. 

And me. I continue to live in a world that rewards me with a monthly paycheck for services rendered. The more I work, the more I get paid. I understand how antiquated this notion is, and I have tried at times to imagine how I might buck this trend, but it has served me well for six decades, and best of all, it makes sense to me. 

So forgive me if you're calling to ask if you can manage my finances. I'm pretty straight on how direct deposit works, and I'm sticking with that. For now.