Cad

 When is a crime not a crime? Well, if TV and movies have taught me anything, it's not a crime when it is perpetrated by very good looking people. This is why George Clooney and Brad Pitt were able to rob all those casinos. If they had put craggy old Carl Reiner in charge, there's no way they would have gotten away with it. 

I figure this is why, when I imagine the bad people who swindled five thousand dollars out of my bank account, I picture ugly people with skin conditions and bad posture. Because my bank was able to reimburse me for being (momentarily) so dull as to give these ugly bad people access to my bank account, I have gone ahead and imagined that sometime shortly after that, the FBI broke down their door, handcuffed all those involved, and put them in a bad ugly place for a good long time. 

When we see crooks on TV that are good looking, they're almost always working to right some wrong, even though they are working on the wrong side of the law. Invariably, the cops that become in these schemes are dim and overwhelmed and never as good looking as the crook with the heart of gold. Which brings me to this firsts conclusion: Why not just fork over that heart of gold to pay for whatever injustice or malfeasance has occurred?

Back to Mister Clooney. As Danny Ocean, we meet him shortly after his release from prison, wearing the so-very-slightly-rumpled tuxedo which we infer he must have been wearing when he was tossed into the hoosegow. I rent tuxedos. And after I wear them, they get returned in a wad that I can only assume will need some sort of molecular level of cleaning and pressing in order to be worn by anyone ever again. This is why I have no plans to knock over the Bellagio anytime soon. 

Oh - and because that would be stealing. I understand that Andy Garcia's character, the not-nearly-as-good-looking-but-still-on-the-spectrum Terry Benedict, deserves to have all that money taken away from him because he was dating Julia Roberts while Mister Clooney/Ocean was in prison. But there's some inferred Robin Hood business going on here. Somehow these merry men are going to take from the rich and give to the fund that keeps them in fake passports and Chinese acrobats. Those schlubs who invested in the casino may or may not get reimbursed, and Terry Benedict can always pull the protective sheet of bankruptcy over his head, but you can be sure that there will be plenty of blackjack dealers, floor security and cocktail waitresses who got laid off as a result of this feel-good caper. 

None of whom were nearly as good looking as Brad Pitt or the always appealing and easy on the eyes George Clooney. Looking that good ought to be a crime.