Wednesday, April 01, 2020

Patients

Somewhat early in the wave of uncertainty that broke across the globe, my wife asserted to me that we were in luck because we had our hair dryer. This was not news to me, though I am follically challenged and have no personal use for such an appliance, but I have used it on occasion to inflate our guest bed mattress. Which was not the purpose for which my wife was speaking. She was anxious to try out the coronavirus prevention/cure of blowing hot air up our noses to kill all those nasty germs.
This came on the heels of a widely circulated email that was filled with all kinds of helpful nonsense about how to avoid the plague. Like the part where if you could hold your breath for ten seconds, you were fine. I'll give you all a moment to try that one out. Ten seconds? Go!
Right. Not that hard. Certainly less arduous than having a blow dryer shoved up your nasal cavity on high. Infinitely more pleasurable would be breathing the steam from a mixture of boiling water, salt and orange peel. Soothing, and pleasant enough to convince that nasty virus to leave you alone. Probably not. 
Almost as unlikely as the idea that drinking plenty of water would cure what ails you, if what ails you happens to be COVID-19. The assurance behind this one is that moving all those scary bugs down out of your mouth would wash them down into the acid bath found in your stomach where they would be dissolved and then excreted. Sorry, but this is medical advice I'm tossing around here. It's not all pretty. Nor is it true. But we could all stand to drink a lot more water, right?
Helicopters will not be spraying disinfectant on neighborhoods.
Chloroquine phosphate is not a miracle cure. Ask the Arizona couple that dosed themselves with the additive that is used to clean fish tanks. On second thought, don't ask them both, since the husband died, and his wife is intensive care for poisoning themselves. 
Which is not to say that there won't be a cure, or some magic potion that will make all the bad sick go away and leave us with the usual sick that we have all come to fret would be the signs of the coming pandemic. Keep washing your hands. Coughing into your elbow. Stay six feet apart. Stay at home. And wait. 

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