Getting To Know You

Today in our studios I would like to welcome COVID-19, the novel coronavirus.
"Thank you for having me. But please, call me CV."
Well, okay CV, you'll excuse me if I don't shake hands.
"You'll excuse me if I don't have any hands."
Good point. You're quite the celebrity these days.
"Oh, I don't know about that. I'm just doing my job."
Oh? And what job is that?
"Infecting. Look, there's plenty of other hard-working viruses out there, I just happen to be riding a wave of pandemic."
A wave of fear, you mean.
"Funny you should mention that. An associate of mine, polio, once infected a guy named Franklin Roosevelt, and he said..."
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
"Right. But I guess you're probably afraid of spiders?"
Well..
"And snakes?"
Some of them.
"Nature. We germs are just smaller. Assigning some sort of intent to our existence is pretty ridiculous."
Humans can be pretty ridiculous. Sometimes.
"But you're always easy prey."
Pardon me?
"You know: The way you crowd together, standing in line to get your half-caff lattes and pick stuff up on the floor. Not to mention the way you wait until the last possible moment to take precautions."
You mean like sneezing into our sleeves, washing our hands?
"Sure. That's cute. And buying all that toilet paper. That'll save lives."
Like I said. Pretty ridiculous sometimes.
"And flying around in vacuum sealed tubes full of recycled air. What did you think was going to happen?"
I don't really know. Why are you here?
"As if we had any intent in all of this. Maybe we're just part of thinning the herd."
That's pretty harsh.
No more than what a fistful of Purell will do to a few million of us. Survival of the fittest?
"If that makes you feel better."
At this point, I guess we'll all take what we can get in that realm.
"It's nothing personal. I assure you."
Again. Very comforting.
"That's not my job."
Really.
"That's yours."
Oh.
"Everything will be fine. Eventually."
Eventually.
"But be prepared for the new normal."
Okay then.
"Sorry, I can't stick around. Very busy these days you know."
You'll forgive me if I don't see you out.
"No worries. I'll be gone in about two to three days."
I think I'm going to go wash my hands.