My Jobs Program

There are still a lot of people in our country that don't have jobs. I know this because the fully-employed folks on the evening news told me so. Armed with this insight, I have some suggestions about where all of these unemployed folks should go to get jobs. First of all, they really ought to check out the Subway shop up the street from me. Seriously. I think they have a sign in their window most every week saying,"Help Wanted." I'm not sure what they're doing with the people who keep showing up there to make sandwiches, but they are in dire need of replacement on a regular basis. Maybe it's all part of that foot-long Soylent Green promotion.
Once the vacancy at the local sandwich shop is filled, there are still a few people left in that ol' unemployment line, so I will remind everyone about how much you hate waiting for your tall half-skinny half-one percent extra hot split quad shot (two shots decaf, two shots regular) latte with whip. All those guys waiting to pick up their unemployment benefits might as well be wasting their time. You've got a game of minesweeper waiting for you back at your cubicle, after all. And speaking of that, if you're lucky enough to live in one of those municipalities where you can file your claim via Al Gore's Internet, why not have those folks spend their extra time pointing and clicking as part of a national shop at home for somebody else campaign?
It wasn't that long ago that the land of the free and the home of the brave was also the land of opportunity. The wretched masses, who yearned to breathe free, came to these shores looking for work. They built railroads and dams and cubicles where you could play minesweeper. And once all those cubicles were built, they were exported to other countries where it was a shorter commute for the wretched masses to get to those jobs. Now we Americans must do the thing that we are know for: make things up. There are still thousands of openings in the field of hubcap stenciling. This is also true for ShamWow testers. Remember, you can't spell "ingenuity" without using most of "genius." Except for the "s." Get to work, America!