Wildlife Alert!

Thanks to suburban sprawl and a growth in numbers of both people and animals, a rash of coyote encounters has alarmed residents on the high plains of Colorado. Since December, four people in the Denver area have been nipped or bitten by coyotes. A fifth told police a coyote lunged at him.
"Ninety-five percent of this problem is a human problem, and we really need to focus on that ninety-five percent to solve it," said Nicole Rosmarino, wildlife program director of the environmental group WildEarth Guardians.
Ms. Rosmarino is exactly right, of course. In addition to the biting and lunging episodes, there has also been an uptick in the number of disturbances created by Earthquake Pills, Giant Rubber Bands, and Rocket-Powered Roller Skates. This isn't a coyote problem. It's a people problem: The people at ACME.
For too long, the evil greedheads at the ACME corporation have been exploiting the desperation of the coyote, or "Eatibus anythingus," for their own selfish gain. Moving their corporate headquarters to the Denver metro area had the obvious and unfortunate environmental impact of creating a mass migration of coyotes to the Mile High City. Many of these animals have made the trip with just the fur on their backs, unable to afford the exorbitant shipping rates charged by the exclusive provider of Dehydrated Boulders. Finding work of any sort during these tough economic times is extremely difficult, even if the coyote in question is a super-genius.
One such creature, who declined to be named for this article had this to say: "It was the philosopher George Santayana who reminds us, 'A fanatic is one who redoubles his effort when he has forgotten his aim.'" Then with a feverish lick of his lips and a wild look in his eye, he added, "Could you loan me a few bucks? I'm trying to score some Triple-Strength Leg Muscle Vitamins."
Keep an eye out for these wretches. They're desperate.