Something Fishy

Here's something I learned tonight: Mike Nichols, director of "The Graduate" was also responsible for a little film called "Day of the Dolphin." Not only that, but Buck Henry, who worked with Nichols on "The Graduate" and helped create the TV series "Get Smart" was the screenwriter of record. Seems as though it should have been more laughs. Instead, it was a plodding thriller about Dr Jake Terrell, who has taught his dolphins to speak and understand English, although they do have a limited vocabulary. When the dolphins are stolen, he discovers they're to be used in an assassination attempt. Did I mention that it stars George C. Scott? Somewhere in there are the ingredients for some massive satire, but it just never got off the ground.
Not to worry. Those merry pranksters at the U.S. Navy are working hard to make this piece of seventies fluff a reality. Dozens of dolphins and sea lions trained to detect and apprehend waterborne attackers could be sent to patrol a military base in Washington state, the Navy said Monday. The Navy said it needs to bolster security at Naval Base Kitsap-Bangor, on the Puget Sound close to Seattle.
And just how does this aquatic-mammal surveillance work? When a Navy dolphin detects a person in the water, it drops a beacon. This tells a human interception team where to find the suspicious swimmer. The last time the animals were used operationally in San Diego was in 1996, when they patrolled the bay during the Republican National Convention. Yes, you read that right: Dolphins were protecting the Republicans. No word on what phylum was at work at the Democratic Convention.
The sea lions are just a tad more confrontational. They can carry in their mouths special cuffs attached to long ropes. If the animal finds a rogue swimmer, it can clamp the cuff around the person's leg. The individual can then be reeled in for questioning. "And I would have gotten away with it too - if it hadn't been for those meddling seals!"
It's not as if the Navy doesn't have a conscience. The Navy hopes eventually to downsize its marine mammal program and replace the animals with machines. "But the technology just isn't there yet," Tom LaPuzza, a spokesman for the Marine Mammal Program said. "The value of the marine mammals is we've been doing this for thirty-five years, and we've ironed out all the kinks."
When asked for a comment, one dolphin said, "Fa loves Pa." Good luck, Ensign Flipper!