Thirty Minutes Or It's Free

On one memorable Halloween, my friend Darren made his entrance from our fourth floor balcony wearing sunglasses and carrying a pizza box, "Hungry Drunk Boy Pizza," he slurred, "It's no good, but it's fast." How he made that climb is still the stuff of legend in some parts of the world. We lived across the street - admittedly a busy street (there was a light and a crosswalk just half a block away) from a Domino's Pizza store. We referred to it lovingly as "hungry drunk boy pizza." They had a promotion that insisted that if they couldn't get the pizza to you in less than thirty minutes, the pizza was free. It was created solely for the purpose of making pizza fast and cheap. My room mate and I took them at their word, and when we hung up the phone (we politely chose not to include those minutes used up taking our order) we started our clock. Again, we did live on the fourth floor, but we were less than fifty yards away and they still couldn't meet their guarantee. I'm pretty sure that we cut short at least one "driver's" career at Domino's (if they clown got in his car to come across the street, he deserved to lose his job). After we had already rung up two free large pizzas in one weekend, this clown showed up in his yellow windbreaker with a great big alarm clock bulging out of the pocket with our double cheese and pepperoni. When we showed him our timer and checked the time stamp on the receipt, he whined profusely about how his clock let him down and did we know that he was the one that was going to have to pay for that pizza? Sorry, thirty five minutes is more than thirty and therefore our pizza is free. He asked to call his manager. This was far in advance of the age of cell phones, so we asked him in and listened to him repeat his sob story for his boss. The brevity of the conversation told us all we needed to know. It should be noted that we did tip the drivers whether we got a free pizza or not, but we remained fascinated by the free pizza. Then, suddenly, not unlike Super-Sizing, the gravy train ended.
I haven't ordered Domino's pizza for some time now, because of the corporation's politics, but they're in the news again for something besides free crazy bread. Thomas S. Monaghan, founder of the original "Hungry Drunk Boy" Pizza (Domino's) wants to create a city in Florida that will be governed according to strict Roman Catholic principles, with no place to get an abortion, pornography or birth control. The town of Ave Maria is being constructed around Ave Maria University, the first Catholic university to be built in the United States in about 40 years. Said Monaghan, "I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines." He sold his doughy empire eight years ago to devote himself to doing "good works." Now I ask you, is there any greater good than feeding the hungry drunk boys of the world? How long will this development take to complete? Nobody was willing to give an estimated completion date - go figure.