Monday, June 27, 2005

Tights

All this discussion about super heroes lately has me thinking about uniforms. When I was in eighth grade, I tried out for the middleweight football team (thank heaven for that distinction, I never would have lasted with the bigger boys and was never exactly a lightweight). After the second day of practice one of the other guys, who was blessedly less familiar with the whole team sports concept than I was, asked me when we would be "getting our costumes." In retrospect, it wasn't a really dumb question, but of course we wouldn't be wearing costumes so much as uniforms, right? Costumes were for play - uniforms were for work.
As for the super types, most of these guys are running around in what amounts to long underwear, and we're not talking about baggy wool union suits either. These deals are Lycra or some space age miracle fiber that leaves very little to the imagination. Superman seems to have a bit of discretion - he wears a pair of red shorts over his blue tights, limiting his exposure. The rest of these fellows don't seem to be as concerned with the impression they are making. We can only hope that none of them resorts to stuffing their codpiece - that would be decidedly un-super.
Then, just like the concern in sports, will they be needing any protection down there? I will only assume that Lex Luthor, Dr. Octopus, and the Riddler would result to a kick in the groin when cornered. I was a wrestler for a couple of years, and we did wear tights - and a cup for just such an eventuality. Proper laundry and hygiene was an absolute must for that particular get-up.
But the costume I will always remember most was one of my first - I was selected to play Peter Pan in Kindergarten. I felt fortunate because I knew that I owned the perfect green shirt already, and I had already figured out how to make the hat - feather and all. All that was missing was the tights. It was my first collision with macho. How to maintain a five year old boy's masculinity in green tights? I remember tears and a lot of frustration and eventually the realization that I was playing a part - after all.
These days NFL players wear all kinds of shiny undergarments and call them "Body Armor." So be it - but I'm guessing that they still don't call them costumes.

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