Here at Entropical Paradise we do not shy away from the hard-hitting news of the day, nor do we shirk our responsibilities to account for global shifts in our priorities.
That is why I am here today to speak on the matter of lite.
An absurd reality here: the spell-check elves did not bother to put a squiggly red line under the last word of that last sentence. That is because in a world filled with mystery and confusion, this bit of creative spelling is allowed.
Nay, encouraged.
Etymologists will tell you that "lite" springs from the Old English, the dialect and not the furniture polish, meaning "few; little; not much."
Fast forward a few hundred years to 1962, when it had become a word-forming element in product names. It was a way to shorten the burden of that five letter word to a more compact four. This new version now facilitated by the use of the silent "e" sound to make the "i" a long vowel. No more need for that unruly "gh" in the middle to confound those who might question your rite to fite to party.
I spent a decade or so emptying cans of Lite Beer without fully considering the fact that they were the same weight and volume as Miller's "regular beer." I was entranced by the notion that I might actually end up losing weight because I consumed so much of it. It continues to be "a third less filling than their regular beer." Same great taste, awkward spelling.
These days it's hard to turn around in your local supermarket without knocking over a display for some variation on a "regular" product that claims to be "lite." Things like cream cheese. Or Ranch dressing. If these are the places you're hoping to make inroads on your new healthy lifestyle, just stop. Stop now.
Additionally I have recently become aware of "lite apps." These are software applications that are smaller and generally more efficient in order to function on less powerful devices with limited storage. This is most definitely not supposed to be confused with the flashlight app on your phone. Or maybe they could make one of those that still tastes great, but has a third fewer calories than your standard flashlight app. And with only those four letters instead of the burdensome five, think of the space you'll save. Maybe the condensed version of Breakfast At Tiffany's could tell the story of a young lady named Holly Golitely.
If this ever comes to pass, remember who suggested it first. Frst. Whatever.