If I Had A Rocket Launcher

 So this guy walks up to the Buddha and says, "Make me one with everything."

And he turns him into a sandwich. 

This past week, "justice" prevailed against the forces of ignorance. Sean Dunn, known to most of the planet as "the sandwich guy" was acquitted on charges of low-level misdemeanor assault after he threw a sub sandwich at a border patrol officer in Washington, DC back on August 10. 

There are lots of ways the trial might have gone, starting with the choice of condiments and meats used to create the alleged projectile. Officer Greg Lairmore testified that the sandwich “exploded all over” his chest and claimed he could smell mustard and onions. But a photo showed that the sandwich was still in its wrapper on the ground after it hit Lairmore in his bulletproof vest. Please sit with that for a moment, specifically the "bulletproof" part. I am sure the government's team did extensive research and testing with various wrappers and styles of slicing to determine just exactly how such a thing could go horribly wrong. 

My first question to the prosecution would probably have been, "What were US Border Patrol agents doing in Washington DC?" 

You may recall this past summer was that of our discontent. ICE was showing up across the country, looking for popsicle vendors and day care workers to haul off to detention centers free from the impediments of due process or warrants. It is this environment of government sponsored terror that caused Sean Dunn, a former Justice Department paralegal, to extreme measures. He too the law, and in this case a footlong, into his own hands and made a stand. As you may or may not know, this only proved to incite more anger and vitriol from the Dark Side, with newly-minted US Attorney for Washington DC, Jeanine Pirro, to take swift action. She insisted that Mister Dunn be charged with a felony. To no one's actual surprise, the evidence and the system would not stand for that, and so the case limped on to trial with the misdemeanor charge. 

Sean Dunn was found not guilty, giving this week of relative good news just a little extra spice. A muslim communist is now running New York City. A woman was finally elected governor of Virginia. And our lunches are no longer considered deadly weapons. 

Gee it's great to be an American.